I recently had the opportunity to hike to the top of Yr Wyddfa (formerly known as Mount Snowdon), the highest peak in Wales. The Hike was organised by colleagues at work to raise awareness of Mens Mental Health. Men don’t often talk about “stuff” and these walks are intended to get men out in nature, get some exercise and a chance to open up and talk about stuff usually bottled up. This was the second walk as I had missed the first one and there are six walks planned in total to cover all official paths up the mountain.
Although a daunting prospect, I was looking forward to the walk for several reasons. There were 41 men signed up for the day and I only knew a handful of them so it was a great way to meet new people. Also, I wanted to challenge myself physically as I know that each time I do something like this I am sending my sub-conscious mind a very important message, that there is nothing wrong with me. Another reason was to have the opportunity to talk about stuff and to listen to others offload too. I’ve spent far too long isolated on my journey and with the ever increasing focus at work and elsewhere on Mental Health with events such as this there is more and more opportunity for me to share my experience and hopefully help others.
Physical training consisted of purchasing a treadmill and then not using it ! I blame the weather as during the pre-walk period we had some really hot weather. So why not walk outside then ? Well that’s where one of my challenges lies. For me it’s difficult to go on a lengthy walk without access to a bathroom. And as for how I would deal with that problem on the mountain I’ll cover that later. Thought’s like this often lead to fears, doubts etc and the downward spiral begins. Will I get a good nights sleep the night before ? Will I have pains/spasms the morning of the walk ? or even during ? Will I cause problems for the rest of the group if I have “issues” on the day ? …and the list goes on. So I expected that this day was going to be more of a mental challenge than a physical one.
One thing was for sure, I had to stop overthinking, procrastinating and looking for problems that weren’t there. I’ve been through a lot over the last fews years and most (if not all) of it has been in my head. There are so many scenarios I have lived through without them even happening. Each time some new activity or event comes up I have to remind myself that I am absolutely fine and none of the wild and whacky situations I have dreamed up over the years have ever happened. Afterall, it’s just a day out walking….isnt it !
Two nights before the walk I had a poor nights sleep, just 3 hours according to my fitbit. The morning wasn’t too bad though and I was able to do my usual morning routine stating with a cold plunge. I just hoped the rest of the day would go ok and fortunately it did. So, I was quite relaxed and looking forward to the walk.
Talk about tempting fate !! I’m not sure what happened that evening but I had a bit of a wobble. Muscle spasms can be really painful and come completely out of the blue. This was the last thing I needed the night before the walk. I managed around 3 hours sleep again and when the alarms started going off at 5:30am I was in no mood to get up. I’d given my self some contingency time and used it all up as I didn’t get out of bed until 6:00am. I had laid all of my gear out the night before so getting ready didn’t take long at all. That said, I had quite a bit of muscle tension to shake off before I got in the car.
Eating further into my time I set off at around 6:40am on what should be an hours drive (but I always add 30 mins for emergency stops). I kind of expected what happened next as everything started to ease and relax once I was on the move. I started my spotify playlist created for the trip and cleared my mind. The roads were quiet and I was able to just chill and focus on my breathing which keeps me present. Then, just when everything is going to plan the car starts beeping and a couple of lights flash up on the dashboard !! Don’t panic. Not today please. It happened a couple more times and each time I couldn’t tell which light was coming on because it stopped as soon as it started. Keep calm, dont panic, breathe….I was coming up to a junction and as I slowed down the light came on and the beeping started again. It was only the damn seatbelt warning light. My rucksack was on the passenger seat and it was that heavy that it triggered the alarm. Phew, I did proper LOL and called myself a few choice names before settling down again, turning up the volume and continuing on my journey.
After clearing Betws-Y-Coed I pulled over for a pit stop. This was the first test and thankfully when I got out of the car and stood up & stretched there was no pain, no tension, Excellent. This was such a relief and with only another 20 mins to go I could really get into the mood and look forward to the day.
I arrived at the Car Park just after 8:00am and it was almost full already. I didn’t know most of the people there but after a couple of minutes I was chatting to a few familiar faces and being introduced to some others. Before long we were all accounted for and heading off for the Watkin Path.
Out in the wilderness at last. The first part of the walk was very relaxed and as we passed through a quiet wooded area I really started to feel lighter. The group had already thinned out and I was quite happy strolling along at the back chatting with a couple of others. The conversation helped take my mind off the walking which was still quite tame but I was starting to realise how unfit I was. The path continued to climb and the views grew more and more breathtaking. This really is a beautiful part of the world and to think it’s only an hour from home !
So far, so good. No pains, no spasms, no negative thoughts, just a tired pair of legs and no idea how I was going to traverse what was now looming in front of us. It was getting a bit serious now. The stunning views made up for it though as we were lucky enough to have great weather. The views and the conversation continued to keep my mind off the physical challenge and I had a sense deep down that nothing was going to stop me reaching the summit…..or had I spoken too soon.
By this point I’d already offloaded a fair bit and could sense that it was helping but I didn’t fully appreciated how much until the following day. More on that later. For now I had the daunting challenge of the final stretch. This was now a climb not a walk. The Camera went back into the rucksack as I was going to need both hands for this. One big deep breath and off I went scambling my way up. I didn’t mind the burning thighs so much as I could ease some of the leg work with my arms as I pulled myself up over the rocks. What did get me though was the muscle spasms I’d been hoping would stay away, but here they were on the most difficult part of the climb. It’s one thing pushing yourself through exhaustion to reach your goal but add in some physical pain as well and it becomes a whole lot harder.
I stopped a few times on that final stretch and while the muscle tension in my abdomen and pelvic region was making it difficult to move I couldn’t help but just stand there in awe at the views out across Snowdonia and beyond. Looking down the valley we’d just climbed up from I reminded myself that I’m absolutely fine. If I really had some kind of chronic condition then how the hell was I nearly a thousand metres up the side of a mountain !!
After a few minutes of focused breathing and stretches I was abe to continue and off I went to complete the final part of the path. Just short of what I thought was the summit I saw one of my colleagues peering over the edge. “Another ten minutes and you’ll be there” he shouted down to me….. and with a thumbs up gesture he dissappeared again. I scrambled the rest of the way up and there it was…another ten minutes worth of hiking to get to the actual summit.
Being in the middle of nowhere with no phone signal it was quite strange to pass through a “live” spot during the climb. I knew this because about 30 minutes from the summit my phone sprung to life and a group shot at the summit appeared on whatsap. This kind of took the pressure off so I took my time and when I reached the group still up at the summit I took my place in the queue to get the all important selfie.
Geez it felt good up there. Apologies for the language but “fuck you Doctors” with your “we dont know what it is but there’s no cure and you’ll have it for the rest of your life” !! I’m not having it. There is nothing wrong with me. Ever curious though I wanted answers and that lead me down a Rabbit hole searching for them. While this was truly enlightening and taught me all about how the Mind & Body are one, the constant focus on “having a problem” simply re-affirmed that I had a problem, over and over. Was I finally breaking the cycle ?
I learned a lot that day. I’m not the only one dealing with stuff, in fact, I’m in a much better place than a lot of others to be honest. Having a safe place to open up and talk about your “stuff” is priceless. I cannot stress this enough, having dealt with my situation in isolation for so long I found it very liberating talking about it with others. Just hearing myself talk about some aspects of what goes on helped reassure me that I understand what is happening and I am not broken. The MindBody is doing exactly what it’s meant to do given the enviroment. And the environmental factors that consist of what is going on around me, or what has happened in the past aren’t the issue, it’s my thoughts and feelings about them and I can chose to think & feel differently.
A few years ago the Consultant I was seeing told me the last course of action was to remove my bladder. I just knew there was nothing physically wrong with me and refused further treatment. I chose to figure this out myself and I’m so glad I did. Years of research has, on the plus side given me the knowledge and discovery of a fascinating subject the mindbody. But, on the flip side, as I said earlier, has kept me stuck in the same cycle. Constantly thinking about having a “problem” and looking for ways to fix it simply re-affirms that I have a problem.
Thinking about these insights from the walk I decided to take action. Through my research over the years I have saved and bookmarked a lot of blogs, websites, podcasts and youtube videoes etc. Everything from restrictive diets to help reduce symptoms, the numerous different explantions of how this “dis-ease” is caused, countless experts giving their suggestions. Pain management techniques, what medication to use to reduce the pain. The list goes on and it’s all material focused on their being a problem. So, I had a clearout, I deleted everything I had saved that was to do with the “problem”. There is no room for that in my life anymore. It’s all in the past and that is where it’s going to stay. From now on I am going to focus my attention on the other aspects of the research I have been doing.
Postive thinking……… that’s it. That’s all there is to it ! Well, not quite. I could delve into the subconscious mind, the autonomic nervous system, consciousness itself, the present moment, quantum entanglement, the list goes on. There is so much eye opening stuff I have learned about and that’s where the magic is. That’s where my attention needs to be. It’s simple, but it’s not easy !
I will be climbing Yr Wyddfa again next month with our Son (weather permitting).
“I will come again and conquer you, because as a mountain you can not grow, but as a human, I can”. Edmund Hilary
Just a Thought 